Some people are bemoaning the lack of a Star Wars movie to
grace December this year—sure, we had Solo to mark the old traditional date of
May early, but by blockbuster standards only about three people and their dog apparently saw it. Instead, some are murmuring about this instalment in the
venerable science fantasy franchise that was supposedly the first to come out
after George Lucas found billions pouring through his door in 1977. And not
only that, it came in the form of a television variety show all about Chewbacca’s
family and accompanying cameos from famous celebrities of the day.
It’s all nonsense, of course—who the hell would have
actually wanted to see walking carpets growl to each other for fifteen minutes
straight while watching holographic daytime TV? Oh, you say, but there have
been so many reviews and articles over the decades about this one—some even
come with footage taken straight from it. Fakes and hoaxes of course—can anyone
actually show me an official release that isn’t a dubious VHS recording? You’d
be surprised what they can do with special effects and costumes these days.
Oh, but check this out, they say—Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford,
and Carrie Fisher all made appearances! Yeah, right. The supposed ‘evidence’ of
Hamill looks like they just slathered layers of makeup onto the first guy with
blond hair—the rest is all cleverly edited stock footage. Not to mention, can
you imagine grumpy old Harrison Ford actually agreeing to stand around while
Carrie Fisher sings fake Christmas carols as Princess Leia? It’s all so absurd.
Besides all that, we all know that in the seventies they
basically substituted cocaine for sugar in their coffee, but could even the
most drugged-up TV exec approve some of the so-called ‘segments’ of this
purported Holiday Special? Honest to god, they claim there’s a part where an
old wookiee puts on a VR helmet with ‘adult’ material to watch. Only a lunatic who
scratches bizarre and eldritch odes to the twisted spirits that live in his
skull while he bounces off padded walls could possibly think anyone would
actually want to watch that.
Even George Lucas, when crafting such celebrated staples of
the series like Jar Jar and tax dispute meetings, usually remembered to have at
least a semblance of a storyline and actual subtitles for the spoken alien
gibberish. The hoaxers creating this baloney claim that he only had a
peripheral role while working on pre-production of Empire Strikes Back, and
that he hates this special so much that he declared his wish to destroy all
copies with a hammer. I mean, if it actually existed I’d totally agree, but it
appears to be a convenient justification for this never getting a home release while
the Ewok movies and shows did.
Now, one part that the hoaxers do put some effort into are
these clips of an animated short in the middle of the special, about Luke and
Han meeting legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett for the first time. Good work for
amateurs with nothing better to do, but amateur it remains, considering that
Han looks like someone blinded him and then beat his face in with a rusted
shovel. And Luke has the eyes of an anime character half the time. All of it
clearly scribbled out by some joker just wanting to get attention on the net.
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| It's like if Ralph Bakshi consumed a crate of Jim Bean, scribbled something on a menu, and called it a day. |
There’s more than I could cover, like tales of Jefferson
Airplane performing for no reason, a cooking show that goes on for an agonizing
eternity, and someone explaining how to fix transistors together. It’s like the
fakers responsible just glanced at what was big in the late seventies and just
slapped it all together. I applaud the scope of their fictional special, but
get real. Even someone suffering from severe oxygen deprivation and alcohol
poisoning at the same time, who also hasn’t gone to sleep for fifteen weeks,
and has also been living in an Antarctic penguin colony, would think it’d
actually work, or go anywhere near approval.
People still debate the merits of the Last Jedi, or the prequel
trilogy, or whether the Special Editions were good and bad, and all the other
dorky debates that divide discussion about Star Wars. But we can all surely
agree on one thing—this Holiday Special never, ever, ever, ever, ever could
have possibly happened.
And thank god for that.
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