In commemoration of both the month of April and the subject
of this nattering turning sixty, allow me to tell of you of a terrifying tale
of future events that will affect you, in the future. I present the
incomparable, the indefectible, Ed Wood masterpiece that is Plan 9 from Outer
Space.
You may have seen this mentioned many times as ‘one of the worst
movies ever made’, or a must-see topper of hilariously bad B-flicks that
enliven any drunken movie night. And as entertaining as it is, I feel this
belies the truly remarkable subtexts, nuanced writing, and provocative special
effects the auteur director had to offer. You see, Ed Wood, having already
directed such classics like Bride of the Monster and Glen or Glenda (films that
the uncultured might describe as ‘weirdly edited gibberish that happens to star
Bela Lugosi’ but are in fact brilliant), wished to do his own take on the scifi
flying saucer craze that crashed through 1950s America like a Martian on a
bender going through Roswell. In my dead serious nattering essay below, I will
explain just how well he succeeded.
The film opens with an intro by fifties psychic Amazing Criswell,
who made a living rambling about supposed future events divorced completely
from reality. These days, we call such people Alex Jones. Some people question why
Ed Wood had such a person blather about ‘future events’, but this scene is
there to establish the daringness of peering into fearful times to come.
Following this,
the film grants us a look at the threat that hangs over the proceedings—those
of the extraterrestrial forces, who all happen to be campy stage actors in gowns,
buzzing a patch of the Californian countryside in string-mounted flying
saucers. Some people mock the fakeness of the UFOs, but this only adds to the
amazing avant garde atmosphere Wood pulled off. The aliens hope to take over
the world by resurrecting about three or four zombies from a single
cemetery—this is an amazing philosophical point on how death ultimately pales
in the presence of bountiful life.
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| And lo, did Spielberg weep upon seeing it, for he knew Close Encounters could never match this shit. |
Before long, the flying saucers are skimming over Los
Angeles and Washington DC for no reason, leading to the military engaging them.
This is represented by stock footage from several different wars cutting to the
alien craft hanging around—some might call this comically edited, but to me,
this is cinematic poignancy at its finest, demonstrating the universality of
conflict. After this, an Army soldier is told by his captain that the military
has fought the saucers before, and comments sagely that ‘visits indicate
visitors’.
Between all this, the aliens are also resurrecting Swedish wrestler
Tor Johnson into their main zombie—Ed is clearly opining that the staged
violence of wrestling leads only to genuine malice. But this is not the only
undead peon they summon—television actress Vampira, better known as who Elvira
took her schtick from, is also there to vaguely menace people. The aliens even
manage to weaponize stock footage of Bela Lugosi trying on capes in his
backyard.
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| I have about the same reaction to anyone suggesting Archer was better than Sisko. |
The intricate filmmaking skills exhibited here are shown in
full when the police attempt to respond to the alien-controlled zombies,
cutting between footage of a car, Bela Lugosi, and an actor pretending to be
Bela Lugosi by covering his cape. All of these shots are at different times of
day, indicating the sun is setting and rising within the span of a few seconds.
But this only shows amazing worldbuilding, proving that this is not our Earth
by means of having its rotation last about thirty seconds, and thus all
complaints about realism in this stupendous picture are moot.
Finally, the motley crew of random people who happen to have
been mildly annoyed by the saucers and their minions succeed in boarding one of
the landed craft, learning from one of the alien captains that the visitors are
merely trying to pre-empt humanity’s construction of a superweapon. This superweapon,
you see, works by causing light to explode, thus destroying the whole universe.
Some people would say this has all the scientific understanding of Duck
Dodgers. But I say it is stunning science fiction that demonstrates how
fundamental life-giving forces may be twisted for evil purposes.
It is also at this point in the movie that the alien chief,
played by Dudley Manlove, gives a performance many have called ‘hammy’, wherein
he reminds the humans that they are stupid, and have stupid minds. Frankly, how
Dudley was not put on the same pedestal as Marlon Brando is beyond me, for I
truly believed that all he were addressing were all very stupid.
After this, the flying saucer is boarded by the now renegade
zombies, and our main cast makes good their escape. The UFO soon explodes for
no apparent reason over the Hollywood hills, and we are left on this shocking
climax as Criswell appears once more to ask us to ‘prove it didn’t happen’. I was
so stunned by the verisimilitude to match Coppola that for a time, no, I couldn’t.
And so, I consider it objective, immutable, stone-solid,
totally and utterly true fact that Plan 9 from Outer Space not only matches the
likes of 2001: A Space Odyssey, but surpasses it. I heartily recommend you watch
this film; not everyone will appreciate the stunning messages and speculative
fiction on display, but I guarantee you will
be most entertained.
I also suggest you check out Tim Burton’s best film, Ed Wood,
a biopic dealing with the creation of this masterpiece. Burton may not have
matched Wood’s genre-breaking sensibilities, but it was a heartfelt and genuine
piece that did what it set out to do.
One way or the other, I salute Plan 9 for giving so many so
much to talk about for sixty years. May the world never know the terror of
flying saucers of such potency that they cast shadows on the void of space itself.
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