Review: Flash Gordon (1980)

"Pathetic Earthlings...who can save you now?!"

Yes, it's May the Fourth, more or less, and since people have insisted on making it a Star Wars thing, let's do something special for it. We're going to go back four decades to when George Lucas, completely against his own expectations, suddenly found himself with enough money and influence to have Tinseltown staring slack-jawed. Of course, Hollywood being what it is, everyone else decided they wanted in on the good thing our flannel-favoring director had, and a barrage of knock-offs, wannabes, and cash-ins followed. We'll look at a couple, but first, we're going to look at the one that truly stood out and endured--more or less--to this day; and not only that, but it's namesake is what started it all in the first place.

Yup, back in the thirties and forties, comic strip Flash Gordon was turned into a set of film serials--shorts that would be shown in the cinema every week to form a story, bringing in punters regularly. Almost like a cinematic-based universe, if you will, but of course, such things could only work back then. It just so happens that George Lucas watched a fair few of these in his youth, and once hitting the director scene, wanted to make his own Flash Gordon flick to pay tribute--but not finding the rights, made his own project, and the rest is history. In fact, producer Dino De Laurentiis decided to pick up on that same idea and cash in on the splash Lucas had made--I guess you can find enough layers of irony in there to make a verifiable Death Star from.

But this wasn't just any old Star Wars cash-in. This was a cash-in that went right back to those old school serials, with their high school play level of production value, and of course the comics, to give us an aesthetic right out of those, with finned rocket ships, riveted rayguns, and gaudy costumes to boot. This was one that had a soundtrack by friggin' Queen, who went on to do more awesome cult classic scores with Highlander. And this was one that was so gloriously silly, and knew damn well it was silly, that it transcends any mortal description.

The story starts with the late great Max von Sydow, who we last saw as Chief Justice of MegaCity One, playing space despot Ming the Merciless, who decides to use his natural-disaster-o-matic device to wreak havoc on Earth quite literally just because he can. By an extremely coincidental turn of events, gridiron star Flash Gordon (Sam Jones) and his travel agent Dale (Melody Anderson) tumble into the rocket ship of Dr. Zarkov (Haim Topol), who launches them all into Ming's Imperial Vortex that takes them to the...other dimension, I guess, of Mongo. Captured by Ming's fabulous looking minions, Flash makes it clear that he's not having any of the cosmic dictator's crap, starting out by having an improvized super bowl game with his guards.

Yep. That's exactly the kind of gleeful shit we're in for.

Max von Sydow is of course great as Ming, playing the over the top cartoon villainy of the role completely straight with only the gravitas someone like him could summon. But the rest of the cast is magnifique--we have future Bond himself Timothy Dalton as Robin Hood-like Prince Barin, who also brings Shakespearean professionalism to total goofiness, which enhances the experience just so much. The bad guys also get their showing, with Peter Wyngarde as Ming's lieutenant Klytus (who's basically Doctor Doom going all out with the bling), and dominatrix interrogator Kala, all being so sinister yet so silly. But you know who tops them all?

BRIAN GODDAMN BLESSED, that's who. As Prince Vultan of the Hawkmen, complete with fake wings and laser-shooting helmet, Blessed knows exactly what kind of movie he's in, and he doesn't so much chew the scenery as leave it scoured like a swarm of hammy bearded locusts. In the climactic battle, when he's commanding his army of Hawkmen to DIIIIIIIVVVVEEEEEE, you can see the absolute glee the actor's having, and you just can't help but share it!

Pictured: So much ham that Porky Pig's entire family would faint. 

But yeah. The performances are what make this one so memorable--there's a couple of strikingly serious moments too, like when Zarkov is getting his mind probed, and we find out that he's a refugee from the Nazis no less. And some surprisingly gruesome deaths too, like Klytus getting his face melted right after being impaled on spikes. Still, the movie quickly moves on to other things, like Flash trying to juggle between Dale, and being hit on by Ming's daughter Princess Aura (Ornella Muti), who is immediately entranced by him because he's just that hot. Well, I never said this was a very complex movie.

And this all leads up to the finale, where Flash is piloting a rocketship through an absolute barrage of lasers that puts any rave to shame, and Freddy Mercury is rocking out on the score, and oh dear god this is absolute cheesy movie nirvana to me. The movie knows it's a load of nonsense, and it's attitude is 'You know what, screw it. Let's just have some fun with this shit! FLASH! AH-AH!'

Only in those times could you get away with making 'outer space' look like a comic book LSD trip. 

So, we get Flash saving the day by impaling Ming with his own rocket (yeah yeah, make your own joke here), and the film takes that aforementioned attitude to the ending, by just forgoing any coda and having Jones cheer at the camera. Earth may have been destroyed by earthquakes, but who cares, he's getting the girl! Maybe two of them! Oh, and there's a sequel hook that never came to be, but really, who could top this?

The film unfortunately flopped on release...with the exception of the United Kingdom, already used to silly pantomime productions, and there people were cool enough to just roll with it. Brian Blessed and Von Sydow went on to be in the actual Star Wars films, as the Gungan Chief and That Guy Who Dies In The First Five Minutes Of Force Awakens respectively...well, it's something anyway. Sam Jones even reprised this role--sort of--in Seth MacFarlane's silly comedy Ted, in what was honestly one of the highlights there.

Either way, Flash Gordon is the acme of defining films that are so stupid, yet so awesome. Anyone who doesn't go out of it without a cheesy grin on their face deserves thorough castigation as far as I'm concerned. Still--this was one of the good Star Wars-sploitation flicks to come around the turn of the eighties. Next time, onto the real schlock!