We've glimpsed two of the cult flicks that came out in the wake of Star Wars--one great, one schlocky but with some virtue, but now, here's the ripoff to end all ripoffs! And, it manages to distinguish itself by being animated! So, with that two for one, let's take a look at Starchaser: The Legend of Orin. This is a brave film that asks the pressing and daring question: "Hey, what would Star Wars be like with more uncomfortable sexual overtones, lazier writing, and general cheapness?"
Made after the original trilogy had already settled and made its mark, Starchaser was made by a bunch of people you've never heard of and stars largely some other people you wouldn't care about. It was marketed as being shown in 3D, as that was having its second resurgent fad at the time, but I don't think any subsequent home releases bothered with that. Either way, for the standards of the time, the animation is acceptable, with some flying sequences that are surprisingly neatly choreographed, but before we get into that, let's get stuck into the meat of it.
The setting is in a galaxy far far away...or maybe the far future...who knows. In any case, the film quickly introduces us to the enslaved underground tribespeople of Trinia, who toil mining crystals for their robot masters (despite the robots only having whips and the slaves huge laser drills). One of them, Orin (Joe Colligan), stumbles upon a sword hilt that somehow gives him a message from a ghostly Santa Claus Jedi or something, basically telling him to get off his ass and free his people from their schmucky cybernetic overlords. As such, Orin manages to escape with his lady friend who serves no other purpose than to get killed about ten minutes in by the head honcho of all the robots, Zygon (Anthony De Longis), who hates all humans for vaguely explained--okay, not at all explained--reasons.
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| I have the same reaction to anyone that says Beyond Thunderdome was better than Fury Road. |
On the surface, Orin has an encounter with some remarkably disturbing looking cyborg organ harvesters, and already we're getting a taste of the strange, awkward tone the movie has. But not long after that, we meet our Han Solo, Dagg Dibrini (played by Carmen Arganziano, who okay some might know from the Stargate universe), who lacks Harrison Ford's swagger, has a receding hairline, and chomps a perpetual cigar. His ship is manned by a foppish AI computer that's totally not C-3PO (in fact, the movie gives us not one, but two Threepio knockoffs throughout!).
The heavy-handed ripping off continues as we get into our first spaceship fight, with shots taken right of A New Hope, but with John William's amazing score replaced by some guy noodling on a farting synth. Even enemy vehicles aren't immune, as Zygon's forces sport what's essentially an AT-ST with a TIE fighter cockpit. You know how Battle Beyond the Stars at least tried to come up with unique starships, as bizarrely suggestive they could be? No such luxury here!
Along the way, our 'heroes' kidnap a female android called Silica (and true to eighties scifi, despite being a fully sentient AI, her apparent role is to stack big piles of paper). Now comes one of the most infamous parts of the film--with a creepy smile, Dagg slaps duct tape on her mouth, and 'reprograms' her by, er, opening up her posterior and fiddling around in there. During this time, Orin seems more interested in asking him about space crystals than what the hell he's doing. It's...like...wow. I mean, say what you want about Leia putting on a bikini in Return of the Jedi, they didn't just have Jabba grope her at length for all the kids to see. But after this, Silica is sultry and attracted to Dagg, so all's well, and isn't that just the best aged thing for today!
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| Do I really need to say anything? |
In fact, the main issue with this film is that for ostensibly being marketed for a young audience, it's even more suggestive and sweary than the actual Star Wars films could be--and I know, in the eighties, supposedly kid-aimed films like Dark Crystal could get really intense. But some of them at least had artistic merit to justify it, whereas here, we get a guy violating a robot, and then later on, a stereotypical Arab crime lord making thinly veiled paedophile jokes to him (yeah, some people accused Phantom Menace of alluding to racist stereotypes, but at least that one didn't just out and out play them out all the way). That's what the kids want to see in their fantasy space adventures, right?!
Anyway, over halfway into the film, we meet our Princess Leia, accompanied by another Threepio clone, as she rescues Orin when he gets knocked out of his ship. She's instantly attracted to him, and that's her character arc done. There's none of the actual Leia's sass or action, she just decides she likes Orin because, well, I guess he's not an outright molester or a pervert, so he must be one of the best people in this universe. And along the way there's some strange implication that she's the reincarnation of Orin's previous girlfriend who died half an hour ago (they share the same voice actress), or something?
Orin is also not much of a protagonist either. Even for someone who's been mining rocks all his life, he's remarkably dumb, and through the film, the heroes need this annoying deus ex machina fairy thing flying around to point out clues to them, or literally spell out what they need to do. Anyone who's familiar with Legend of Zelda should rightfully be getting flashbacks to irritation right about now. In other words--our heroes rely less on ingenuity and smarts than just getting cheat codes through the script.
Finally, we get to the climax, where we have to stop Zygon's fleet from laying waste to civilization (Zygon apparently controls all other star systems, but the one here doesn't seem to be aware of that, and there's allusions to some government, but it's all so vague and frankly who cares). Also, I can sympathize more with Zygon by now after seeing the general treatment of robot life forms our heroes seem to deem fit.
Admittedly, for a mid-budget eighties animated film, there's some decent flying action as I mentioned, with explosions and lasers aplenty, though it's no Akira. As you might predict, after getting shit explained to him by the DEM fairy, Orin defeats Zygon, and gets offered ascension out of this plane of existence by the ghosts of the not-Jedi called the Kha-Khan (an obscure term from Scientology, but let's not read too much into that right now). He declines, as he wants to spend time with his bland girlfriend he met an hour ago, and that's that.
So, is Starchaser kind of trash? Yeah, it is, but despite my crapping on it, the animated format and the general awkwardness do make it worth a glance for suckers for shitty schlocky scifi like myself wanting something slightly different--but nobody else besides. It has a minor cult following, and I can see why, as there's no other Star Wars cartoon ripoffs with weird undertones like this one. Still, even in the obscure realms of bizarre eighties scifi animated flicks, it's no Heavy Metal or even Rock and Rule--those ones we're likely to get in due course.
Either way, that's our detour into the weird world of Star Wars wannabes done. And remember, no matter what you think of Last Jedi or the prequels or whatever...just remember, at least they didn't have boob spaceships or fiddling with robo-butts. So thank Jar Jar for small mercies.
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