Earlier this year, I took a look at the collision of the two greatest meathead action stars of their time back in '85. Between First Blood Part 2 and Commando, I ended up giving things to Der Governator, but noted that later that year, the Italian Stallion would punch back--pun intended--with a near pinnacle of eighties cinematic extravagance. Not content with winning Vietnam, Stallone decided to punch communism in the face in a celebration of patriotism so ludicrous it transcends its less than nuanced political 'commentary' into something so stupid, yet so awesome!
The original Rocky in 1976 was a fairly grounded and gritty story of a working-class Italian-American finally getting a shot at fame, rising from his roots in the less than pretty Philadelphia streets to fight before the nation. It was seen as Stallone's commentary on his own life up to that point, and the sequel could be seen about him trying to keep that fame up. The third movie, which was where things started to get silly (between Hulk Hogan and Evil Mr. T), was...erm...something about more fame? And the fourth, I guess, was Sly making it very, very clear that he would in fact donate quite a bit of money to Ronald Reagan's campaign fund!
As such, we pick up with Rocky having won back his title after the third film, only for the USSR to intrude on things in a somewhat less overt way than in Red Dawn. Turns out they've created a super-boxer, Dolph Lundgren's Ivan Drago--so super, in fact, that the figures the movie gives for his punching force exceed a shotgun blast! Drago himself, however, remains iconic for a reason--Lundgren's massive physical size means he's not one easy to forget, and his stereotypical but effective stoic silence makes him all the more awesome despite being a personification of every Evil Empire attitude to the Soviet Union of the time. When someone utters 'I must break you', you damn well know what they mean, and he's still more visually striking than every other cliche communist baddie you'd get in other schlocky flicks back then.
Anyhoo, Drago ticks off Rocky's former rival turned best bud Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers), who apparently finds lounging by the swimming pool simply not stimulating enough next to being pounded in the skull. Despite Rocky's misgivings, Creed decides to stage an exhibition match against the Russians, who take his shit-talking better than most would. Drago being so massive that even his wife Ludmilla, played by the Amazonian tall Brigette Nielsen, looks puny beside him, doesn't deter our Olympian-named friend. In the meantime, we're treated to such random sights as the robot Rocky buys for his brother-in-law Paulie, complete with artificial intelligence that I think would be incredible now, let alone for 1985. I guess if all that boxing money goes towards CyberDyne systems, well, that's his business.
The boxing match between Creed and Drago starts off with some aforementioned well-referenced lines, but not before we get an entire musical performance by James Brown, which will set the tone for what most of the runtime consists of! It's 'Living in America', which, like so many songs, is outshined by its Weird Al parody.
Anyway, things go wrong, Apollo is killed by the guy twice his size, and Rocky isn't very happy. It takes two whole music montages for him to decide to travel to the Soviet Union itself for a grudge match against Drago in fact! Yes, most of the movie's less than grand runtime is Sly looking at the camera with a determined expression while Kenny Loggins and Vince DiCola cry out lyrics to the effect of 'I gotta puuuuunch things, because I really liiiiiiike punnnching things!" So if you are a most determined connoisseur of gratuitous eighties montages, Rocky IV provides the best buffet possible!
You can probably predict how the rest of it all goes, except that we're treated to yet more music for the final match in the form of the Soviet anthem itself--apparently this is so pivotal that Drago is mounted alongside Lenin and Marx, and Mikhael Gorbachev himself comes to view. It's all rather asking for an awkward headline on the cover of Pravda, and whaddya know, that's what probably happens when Rocky triumphs, proving that running up and down staircases beats evil socialist gym workouts! And it all ends with him giving a slurred, barely comprehensible speech after getting his head beat by shotgun-level punches, which wins the hearts and minds of the Russian citizenry, somehow!
But who cares. Rocky IV is so wonderfully dumb, so divorced from the reality the series started out, so revelling in eighties ridiculousness, and playing it so straight, that it transcends what should be nonsense into an experience that's a verifiable nirvana when you've got some friends and beer. Even the soundtrack is such a concentration of camembert cheese that you'll find yourself screeching alongside to--it's even got redundant song names (Burning Heart, Hearts on Fire, what's with combustible organs here?)!
You want a dose of eighties that'll leave you potentially comatose, I can think of none better. This was followed by Rocky V in 1990--people like to consider that one the nadir of the series (I actually don't think it's certainly that bad, and I might just get to that later), but it is at least certainly not as memorable as what preceded it. Either way, there's enough montage to make for a sing-along or just random insanity to laugh at--and it did prove the basis to the more balanced Creed series. In any case, if you must choose a Reaganist-cheerleading Stallone movie from 1985...eh, definitely go for this one. Sly is doing a recut version soon, with extra scenes, but, to my dismay...the robot will be gone. And what a sad day that shall be.
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