Following up from our last look at board game flicks, let's give a look-see to one more--based on a game that, in fairness, isn't really dependent on boards. Dungeons and Dragons has certainly become a cultural name since it came into vogue in the 70s/80s--from being accused of satanic indoctrination (when the only satanic thing about it was overpriced booklets) to making a mainstream comeback in recent years following its prominence in things like Stranger Things. It's had its share of adaptations--from a cult classic 80s animated series, to videogames, and books; it's had some fairly high-profile folks take up rolling D20s, like Judi Dench and Vin Diesel. And then, in 2000, it had a full-on movie that...erm...was something.
The idea itself, again, isn't necessarily a bad one. The game itself is fundamentally about imagination--you decide your character, and you, alongside your fellow players with the Dungeon Master referee/storyteller, can forge as stories as simple as just slaying a dragon for his loot, to epics that go on for years about deciding the fate of kingdoms or battling the gods themselves. Whether you triumph or stab yourself in the foot is decided with the roll of a dice--so, with so many spontaneous tales forged over the decades, you'd think they could have all sorts to choose from, right?
Well, erm, where to begin. Our setting is the Kingdom of Whatever, which for years has been ruled by an upper class of mages--so it's kind of like Harry Potter if the wizards got their crap together. However, a young new Empress (Thora Birch), decides this isn't all that fair, and so decides to affect some social change. It'd make an interesting spin on a fantasy setting, if it wasn't executed with the competence of a drunken lemur.
But fortunately, we have one redeeming factor in this mess--the bad guy, evil sorcerer Profion who decides the Empress is full of it, played by Oscar winner Jeremy Irons. Jeremy here needed some money to buy a castle, y'see, and upon seeing the script, decided he'd have some fun along the way. So the movie does the smart thing and opens up with him right away. We get treated to one hell of a scene where Profion is doing some magic ritual shit to summon a dragon for some reason--which consists of Jeremy making coital expressions while grasping a staff that looks like part of a Halloween costume. He then talks to a dragon rendered in CG that looks like the bowel movement of a PS1, and that's before his minion Damodar (played by Bruce Payne, wearing blue lipstick for some ungodly reason) waltzes in. Irons decides that he might as well not waste a single facial muscle, and for his performance consigns the mere mention of subtlety to the garbage bin.
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| "My paycheck for this piece of crap actually cleared! AHAHHAHAHAHA!" |
The end result is utterly hysterical. Unfortunately the movie peaks way too early, except for maybe the end part, since after that we get introduced to our heroes Ridley and Snails (Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans). Ridley is another generic young adult hero who just bumbles through things he barely comprehends like any good protagonist, and Snails, is, well...picture a slightly less shrill Jar Jar Binks, by way of Ruby Rhod from the Fifth Element. Why they decided the film needed that kind of stereotype here is beyond me, but it's what we got.
Fortunately, we do get a feel for the characters involved very quickly--namely, that they're all greatly mentally challenged. Our main duo of inexperienced thieves try to rob the wizard headquarters just because, which is like trying to burgle the Pentagon because you've broken open a few garages. They stumble onto Profion's plot, get a librarian mage (Zoe McLellan) to tag along with them for seeing too much, and from there, venture forth to find a vaguely described MacGuffin. In the meantime, Profion, the real star, starts making his moves against the Empress--who emotes like someone replaced her brain with a rock, in a real funny contrast to Jeremy growling and bellowing all over the place.
How does this film compare to the board game? Well, it sort of tries to replicate the cast and party you'd get in a typical DND session--your thieves, your mage, your elf, your dwarf...but while our heroes sort of acquire some of those tagging along, they hardly amount to much. Lee Arenberg plays a dwarf that tries to keep up but does little besides pull off faces like a stoner who just suddenly crapped his pants. There's an elf played by Kristen Willsen who pops in to mumble some mumbo-jumbo, but the movie tries to focus on Whalin, and fails, because despite his best efforts he's as interesting as looking like an actual character sheet from the game. That's had all the writing rubbed over with coffee.
But there are a couple of parts that ring true--Profion is just like that DM who goes full on amateur Shakespeare when they start playing the bad guy! And, most refreshingly, the annoying sidekick tries to take on a top-level evil henchmen, and dies after fumbling all his strength and armor saves! Yes, spoiler alert, Snails is killed by Damodar, and what the film tries to play for tragedy is instead something that'll get you clapping.
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| Imagine being killed by this guy. To know that bards would sing for epochs to come, in sublime song and poetry, about what a loser beyond compare you are. |
There's like one more highlight where ex-Doctor Who Tom Baker plays the king of the elves to spout some vague wisdom, but other than that, things get both exceedingly cheesy and subsequently actually slightly entertaining at the end. Profion and the Empress unleash hordes of badly animated dragons that just flew out of a videogame, and in the process, Jeremy Irons summons all his powers of overacting! Such are his expressions, such is his inability to deliver anything that's not a snarl or half-coherent yelling, that I honestly got worried that such ham would start distorting space and time. Only a precious few, like Shatner or Brian Blessed, could ever come near!
Ah, nuts to it. Nothing I write can do it justice. Behold what you're in for:
Blah blah blah, more bad CG, more indecipherable plot development, then our heroes show up! Profion casually dispatches everyone besides our lead like the worthless nobodies they are (either they just rolled natural ones, or the DM is showing serious favoritism by now), and we have a confused duel where the Empress comes with her stone-faced performance to make Jeremy's annihilation of the very craft of acting even more gut-busting. The day is saved, and we end on a really stupid sequel hook about resurrecting Snails, because that's what they thought the audience would want somehow.
And so? Dungeons and Dragons is epic--epically dumb, epically inept, and filled with a couple of performances epic in the lack of shits they give. The first Lord of the Rings came out next year, and proved you can indeed do fantasy flicks that aren't beset with terrible effects and scripts that made less sense than drunken improv game sessions, washing away the memory of this one cleanly. I only recommend it for schlock seekers with a beer handy--but in fairness, when the alcohol kicks in, there are things that'll crack you up until tomorrow. If that sounds like your thing, stack up your stamina points and give it a shot. Otherwise, break out Hungry Hippos instead.
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