Time to dip back into the eighties again. This was a time when you could make a film based on a toy cartoon where the plot revolves around a beefcake and his associated interdimensional Mardi Gras rejects trying to harness the power of oingo-boingo synth music to travel time and space. Yeah, it’s that kind of film—it’s Masters of the Universe.
In the early eighties, ol’ Ronnie Reagan came along with corny soundbites, a very cavalier attitude to Cold War escalation, and more relevant here, a deregulation of television standards which meant that companies could turn children’s programming into very less than subtle advertising. At the forefront here was He Man And The Masters of the Universe—it’s heyday was a little before my time, but I still remember reruns as a young ‘un. The premise, if you don’t know, revolves around Prince Adam, royalty of Planet Eternia, who one day apparently randomly picked up a sword that transforms him into He-Man—a man so powerful, he can’t actually use that sword to hit people, lest it invoke his one weakness of parent’s groups! With his companions of various action figures to flog, he battles the forces of the epidermis-challenged Skeletor, who wants to seize control of the universe for reasons that are never adequately explained but might involve him seeking mystical botox treatments!
It’s stupid, but it’s delightfully camp, and that’s probably why it remains a nostalgic favorite to this day, glorified merch flogging it may have been conceived as. You’ve got all sorts who still look fondly on it, including its own LGBT fanbase (so if you would assume I’d make tired ‘lulz He-Man is teh gay’ jokes…erm…what decade are you living in?) That’s why, in an ultimately self-defeating attempt to boost its longevity, it got a live-action movie treatment in ’87—which, well, is an idea that makes a hell of a lot more sense than the likes of the Emoji Movie. So without further ado, let’s take a look at that—and see just how silly things get.
Well, from a production standpoint, it doesn’t leave a bad impression at first. The filmmakers did an admirable job seemingly trying to translate the gaudy toy cartoon visuals to live-action, and the soundtrack is quite nice also. And, well, I was glad to see the film wastes no time in showing off the main reason to watch it—Frank Langella as Skeletor! In comparison to the very nasal animated version, this less than subtle bad guy is played completely straight, and oh my is Langella having the absolute time of his life playing him!
I’m surprised the staff he carries didn’t break the way he spins it about, and even when covered in makeup, he relents not even for a second in relishing every line! And that’s why on the other hand I’m not surprised at all he even described it as his favorite role—for deep down, every classically trained actor from Jeremy Irons to Raul Julia to Patrick Stewart years to drop every constraining rule of thespianism to just annihilate the scenery around them!
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| "What's that, staff thingy? You think Shatner's toupee could never match me for scenery chewing? Oh, I know, I know! Ahahahahah!" |
But then we get to Dolph Lundgren as He-Man. Despite being the discount Schwarzenegger of the eighties, Lundgren isn’t a bad choice for the role on paper—like all Swedish people, he’s about seventeen feet tall, and the camera wastes no time in close-ups of his pecs (which aren’t as heteronormativity-challenging as say Bolo Yeung’s, but they’ll do). However, he also spends most of his performance mumbling along, while engaging in action scenes where, because you still couldn’t have him just slice and dice bad guys right there, the editing has to cut away to random things. I guess it also helps you not question why he bothers with a sword when everybody has a laser rifle.
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| It's like if one guy shows up expecting to join a hair metal band, the other two some kind of Kratwerk knockoff, and then another who you really don't want to know. |
Eventually, Lundgren and his allies meet up with a puppet gremlin thing that looks like Yoda’s severely inbred cousin, and through circumstances involving a magical synth player—yes, that’s right—they get transported to contemporary New Jersey! And there the film completely shifts tack, focusing on a college student played by Friends star Courtney Cox. Her character is introduced talking about boyfriend issues and moving out for college, and, well, that’s a very bold creative choice when you consider the target audience is young sugar-hyped boys (because it’s the eighties, and gender separation is in full force here for kid’s TV!).
Much of the running time is then focused on He-Man and friends trying to use the POWER OF SYNTH NOTES to get back home, while fighting off random minions sent across dimensions. It’s utterly dorky, but there’s enough hammy performances and ridiculousness that I must admit I’ve had worse experiences watching. And, of course, what you really want is more Langella—at no point does he disappoint.
In fact, the peak of him comes near the end, when he starts taking on all the magic powers of the whole cosmos, or something—and launches into a five-minute rant about exactly how divinely awesome he is. I’m half-convinced that at one point, Langella just begins ad-libbing, explaining the slightly confused expressions on everyone else—and boy is he having just so much fun! With each passing moment, he cranks up the glorious overacting even further, with a light show that might just be baryonic reality distorting under the power of so much ham! And then, to cap it all, he transforms into whatever the hell this is meant to be:
At that point, I nearly died of laughter, and so will you in all likelihood!
The ending kinda disappoints, but by this point the film’s hit its peak anyway. And that’s Masters of the Universe—it’s as dumb as you’d expect a toy cartoon adaptation to be, but there’s enough campy silliness and wonderful ham to give it a dumb charm to it. Hell, get some alcohol and peanuts, and it’s ideal material for a Cheesy Movie Night. At the time, it was a failure, essentially tanking the franchise—it’s not hard to see why given the deviations, but since then, it seems folks have warmed to it somewhat.
Lord knows as far as movies adapted from eighties toys go, I’d take it over Transformers 17: Do Androids Dream of Electric Nardsacks.
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