Review: Jingle All The Way (1996)

Haven’t talked about Arnie in a while, haven’t we? Let’s fix that now by going back to another Christmas classi…guilty plea…thing that exists, namely, 1996’s Jingle All The Way. Something that tried to do the exact opposite of Die Hard, and turn an action star into a comedy actor, with, well, demented results.

This all brings me back to the first Schwarzenegger movie I remember seeing—1994’s Junior. A film that also happens to be by far his worst when you look back on it—yes, I’m including Batman and Robin, yes, I’m also including Red Sonja—and one that even had my much younger self basically going ‘what the fuck am I watching’? All I knew was that a big guy with a funny accent somehow has a baby, eliciting rather hasty explanations from my parents. This all ties into that little phase Arnie had in the 90s where he tried his hand at family comedies. And I’m not talking Kindergarten Cop, I’m talking films where he basically plays some hapless schlub who gets in way over his head (also an apt personification of this film).

It makes sense when you consider that Arnold had partaken in the massive James Cameron epics Terminator 2 and True Lies, the latter of which wasn’t technically a bad movie but boy was it indulgent. This was followed by critical and commercial flop Last Action Hero—a film I think has some actually clever moments, but also is a bit too long for its own good. So in this context, I wouldn’t blame Arnie for trying to take a break from these explosion-fuelled behemoths and go smaller. That didn’t stop him entirely from his real forte—in ’96, he also starred in Eraser…a film that nobody seems to remember, in favor of this one. So let’s not beat around the bush, make sure to put dat cookie daun, and get right into this.

Arnold here plays Some Schmuck—his character has a name but unlike say Conan or Dutch Schaefer, you’re not going to remember it. He’s a workaholic dad that’s never able to make it to his son’s special occasions, and if you’re thinking that this was trite as a tuna even back in the 90s, you’d be absolutely correct. Despite the film trying to portray him as some sort of deadbeat, you still can’t help but sympathize with him—the whole universe conspires to prevent him from getting to his son’s ceremony, and he still has to take crap from everyone.

Speaking of his son, the kid’s a real brat. He’s played by Jake Lloyd—and no, I’m not going to give him too much shit for his performance, seeing as he’s been through enough already over the years, and is just about the only one in the world that can actually say that The Phantom Menace ruined his childhood. But his character here has a lavish room with wall paintings and everything, but basically damns his father to hell, demanding a doll based on Power Rangers pastiche Turbo Man. Trouble is, just like with the real Power Rangers merchandise in the 90s, everyone in the world wants one, and Arnold has to brave the horrors of crowded stores and demented shoppers to find one.  

Don't worry Arnie, I had much the same reaction to the Total Recall remake too.

Along the way, he encounters a postal worker played by Sinbad, who, like Space Jam and Ryan Gosling growing his hair out, is one of those odd 90s relics that still pops up here and there. They seem to momentarily bond over having to rush around satisfying commercialist cravings for the stupid toy, but it proves for naught as Arnie chases a token for one around a mall. It’s like that one scene in Commando, but far weirder and stupider, and ends up with him being beaten all over by handbags. I don’t really need to say more.

At this point, you think it’s just going to be an oddball comedy about a beleaguered sap on Christmas—and up until now, it’s actually somewhat relatable. As a young ‘un, I mostly found this film to be just dumb goofery, but now, it’s dumb goofery that makes me nod along to some extent. After all, we’ve all been on cramped public transport or deluged shopping tracts around the season—sure, internet buying has alleviated things somewhat, but as the insanity of Black Friday in the States proves, madcap rushes for high-demand crap has never gone away.

Then the film departs all reality and he ends up fighting a counterfeiting ring of mall Santas, who include giant wrestlers and little people. Your brain might also just depart your skull at this point, leaving you chuckling awkwardly as it ramps up from there. You might as well ask if Sinbad accidentally blows up several cops with a parcel bomb not long thereafter, who then miraculously survive, because that’d also make you on the same wavelength as the lunacy that is now unfurling.

Oh, and in the midst of all this, Arnie’s douchebag neighbor apparently waltzes into his house with impunity to munch cookies, leading to the source of so many remixes on Youtube. Eventually, Some Schmuck infiltrates said neighbor’s house to steal his presents, as burglary is a cherished Christmas tradition, only to further be confronted by the vortex of madness he’s sinking into as he’s attacked by a psychotic reindeer that I’d guess is hellbent on consuming the flesh of an Austrian. Fortunately, Arnold remembers that he’s Arnold and decks the creature in the face—no doubt his character thinks rationality might return soon. Oh, how wrong he is.

Eventually, he somehow ends up on a parade float that seemingly spent most of its budget on a jetpack with flight capabilities to rival an Iron Man suit, as you do. Here the movie looks at your no doubt bewildered expression up to this point, gives a smile to terrify Hannibal Lecter, and cranks up the batshittery to beyond as Arnold dresses up like Turbo Man, finally gets his hand on the doll, but has to confront a fully deranged Sinbad while literally spinning around half the city with his jetpack. Your brain is so stupefied by what’s unfurling that it becomes amusing in a sheer demented way—you’ve come this far down the rabbit hole, and you might as well go all in and enjoy the ride. 

"Tank Gott I vill nevah haf to vear a schtupid superhero costume again anytime soon!"

Of course, the day is saved and Schmuckanegger reunites with his son, etcetera, etcetera. And once your mind returns from a dimension not of sight and sound, you might find getting some weird enjoyment from this mess. Over twenty years later, it’s still a dumb goofy flick, but a dumb goofy flick that has enough to relate to at the start to draw you in before it goes off the rails.  Provided you have a steady supply of alcohol, I can thing of worse things to watch and laugh at with friends over.

After this? Arnie went on to do Batman and Robin, and proved the best part of that neon-lit catastrophe. Director Brian Levant apparently had his career peak with this one—and boy is that something—as he went to do such acclaimed masterworks like The Flintsones: Viva Rock Vegas and, funnily enough, A Christmas Story 2, the latter claiming the distinction at the time of having the most downvoted trailer on Youtube. Jake Lloyd went on to do a certain film that remains infamous and contested to this day, a few years after this one…but we’ll talk about it in 2019, when it turns twenty…

Between the good, the bad, and the insane, there’s always something to watch at Christmas. Maybe it’s something awesome like Die Hard, maybe it’s a cult classic like Gremlins, or maybe it’s the traditional taste you prefer, like It’s A Wonderful Life. Either way, just make sure you have fun. The year’s not out yet, and there’s a couple more things on my list to check out before then…