Since the 19th century, vampires have been a hallmark of horror fiction--sometimes for the horrific sanguine-splattering fright they embody, sometimes for the allure of immortality and debauchery eternal, sometimes for tragedy and pathos. In cinema, they're healthily represented, be it the old-timey Bela Lugosi classics, the Hammer horrors with the awesome Christopher Lee, all versions of Nosferatu, Tom Cruise and Gary Oldman, and then nice little oddities like What We Do in the Shadows. But I have one to top them all. I don't need Count Blackula or Edward Cullen, I don't need Lestat or Orlok--for I have Tobe Hooper's true masterpiece: Lifeforce!
In the early-mid eighties, Hooper was making a few films for Cannon: the Spielberg-produced classic Poltergeist, the obscure remake of 50s saucer film Invaders from Mars, and his goofy sequel to the iconic Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Then he made this, based on the novel 'The Space Vampires'. That book title there? You might think that's all you need to know, but you'd be so very wrong.
The film starts with a British space shuttle bearing on Halley's comet, presumably in it's 1986 approach; apparently the UK has perfected a space program in the space of one year, which is a very naive appraisal of its government's efficiency. It encounters in the tail of the comet an ominous and immense spaceship, which looks sort of like a really stretched out vampire squid. This part of the movie is actually genuinely atmospheric, with weird organic interiors of the shape and dried batlike cadavers hanging around in zero gravity. A little bit of Alien infused in there, sure, but it works. And then they encounter the naked people suspended in crystals.
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| "Houston, we appear to have flown up HR. Giger's colon. Please advise." |
After that, it's into wonderful glorious madness we go.
The shuttle is soon found burnt out with the crystals intact, which are then taken to a space research center in London. Inevitably, one escapes--namely, the female of the three, played by the Mathilda May. The film spares no time in giving us good views of her curves, though it's less keen on full frontal assaults by the male vampires. May is such an iconic aspect of the film that the most prominent Japanese film critic of the time spent most of his review espousing his appreciation of her unclothed bod. In the process, she drains the 'lifeforce' from a guard, leaving him looking like how Ronald Reagan would soon appear in a few years.
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| "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall...so I can burst in and eat your braiiiiiiinsssss!" |
Soon after, SAS colonel Caine (Peter Firth), is called in, who is your typical efficient and no-nonsense British officer. Tracking this butt-ass naked vampire from space proves harder than you might think, until the pilot of the shuttle Carlsen (Steve Railsback) is found. It takes like half an hour for the film to introduce him, the main protagonist, but Hooper, along with a great many other things, dared it here! Nevertheless, Carlsen has some voodoo heeby-jeeby psychic link with Space Vampire Lady, or something, which Caine uses to determine her location.
Oh, and in the midst of all this, their friend Hans Fallada (Frank Finlay), an apparently omnidisciplinary scientist whose specialties include 'life...and death', is there to work out that these things are in fact vampires, and might be the inspiration for the myth. He in fact manages to kill one of the males with a 'leaded iron rod', that also looks like a medieval sex toy, which he just so happens to have. Hans is a very interesting character; not only is a very versatile man of learning, but he seems to have exceedingly weird turn-ons.
Anyway, Carlsen and Caine track Vampire Lady, who has taken a new form, hiding somewhere in a psychiatric hospital. Carlsen hopes to use his psychic link to locate her, but he's also constantly rambling about her 'perfect femininity' and just what an intense hold she has over her. Honestly, it feels like he's just trying to make pretences for having an absolutely uncontrollable boner over the mere thought of her; I mean yeah she's pretty, but Carlsen's libido here comes off as desperately starved. Anyway, the pair meet the hospital head who is played by Patrick Stewart! Hooray! Only a few years after growing a mullet for Dune, Stewart gives us a performance that, er, he refuses to talk about. So let's find out why!
First off all, after slapping around a female orderly they think is the vampire in a rather uncomfortable scene, they corner and pin down Stewart who is the real host, and er, basically molest him. Yeah, it's not something Picard would ever put up with. Carlsen has to apparently violently grope and kiss poor Jean-Luc here--imagine if the twist was that there were no vampires, and he's just a demented perverted loon. "Yeah, sure, there's, like, shape-shifting vampires from space! And to find them, you need to really feel up anyone you think they might be! Also, only I can do it!!!'
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| Don't worry, Sir Stewart, I had much the same reaction to the end of X-Men Origins too. |
So yeah. Little wonder Mr. Stewart won't be reprising his role for an Amazon series. Anyway, they take his body away onto a helicopter, leading to a cool if inexplicable sequence where Vampire Lady escapes by taking the form of a shower of blood. That's the least of their concerns, however, as the male vampires have escaped and are spreading their infection all over London, which is now in flames! The visuals go even more goo-goo as glowing souls are sucked out from bodies en masse, causing massive explosions for reasons you honestly won't care about by now, and hordes of ghouls run amok. And you know what? It's awesome.
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| I think parts of the West End actually look like this on a Saturday night. |
As London burns, it turns out even the Prime Minister is a vampiric thrall (though in today's climate some might consider that an improvement). Carlsen and Caine have to escape by helicopter with time running out as the vampire ship begins sucking up the city's souls, and the military is considering going nuclear. By now, the film has given up any pretence of horror as both tear-ass through chaotic streets, with just about everyone save them having fallen to the plague it seems. Vampire Lady is apparently the conduit for the souls, in the crypt of St. Paul's cathedral, and it's down to Carlsen to penetrate her with a big iron rod. Yeah, make your own joke here, I know you already have.
The movie ends as Vampire Lady reveals to Carlsen that he was also a vampire too, by the way, or something, nobody will be making sense of things by this point. Caine finishes off the last male in a genuinely badass scene and witnesses the vampire ship lift away, though central London is in ruins and millions are likely dead. Considering the lunacy we've had to sit through, it's a slightly abrupt and awkward ending, but that just suits the whole tone of this.
Lifeforce is an absolute madhouse of a movie; jumping from one scene of lunacy to the next and taking it all dead-face seriously. It's absolutely unique and just has to be seen to be believed; yeah, it's nonsensical, but I guarantee solid entertainment if you watch it with a friend. Some scenes are actually genuinely-well crafted, standing out among the rest of the deranged silliness that Hooper put to celluloid with oh so much earnestness. Because of this blend, it might just go around to being brilliant, and definitely more memorable than yet another sobstory about so much misunderstooooood vampires. No, here they come from space, walk around in the buff, and make shit explode for no reason! What's not to like?
So if you can watch it as part of a Halloween marathon, or on a spare night, do so, and revel in something that could've only been made back then. Either way, enjoy your Samhaim festivites, hang up your crosses and garlic, and give this sheer batshit genius a shot.
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